life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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