def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*