Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping