this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
