i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
