Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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