i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
