no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
