So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
