youre lurking in front of me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
