You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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