the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
