I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
