he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
