Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
