If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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