My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
