so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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