God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
