he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
