he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
