I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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