I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
