Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
