I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
