im having a threesome with these popsicles
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
no you cant smoke seaweed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
