Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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