It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
