You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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