Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
