What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
