3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans