Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.