thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
