the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
