The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
