when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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