well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
