Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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