I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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