When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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