I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
