Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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