my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
