if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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