i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
