His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
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We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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