Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
