My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
