There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
