I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
