i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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