As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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