The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
