and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
