remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
