i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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