I hate all girls vehemently.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
