you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
