i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
