Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
