two words: eviction party
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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